I used to be jealous of people who found success. I felt cheated in some way, as if it was unfair that they had success and I didn't. Sometimes it seemed as though I worked much harder than they did yet still didn't make anywhere near as much ground. It made me think of my family and the generations before me, working laborious jobs, hours on end, and still struggling to make ends meet. I looked outward into the world for things to blame; not having money, music education, equipment... There were so many things that didn't match up. How could I always be on time and dependable, yet still not experience success at the level as artists that were careless and unreliable. I would vent to my friends... 'howwww are they blowing up right now?!' (The most disappointing thing about being jealous is it taints and distracts your enjoyment of their art.)
How ridiculous. What a jaded outlook, and what a poisonous feeling. Envy drips into your security, similar to what I imagine Chinese Water Torture to feel like. It hurts. It is constant, and each thought is so small, as small as a drop of water, but when it lands it feels like a piercing ton has cracked open your skull and your emotions, spilling and splayed, are as obvious as they are obscure.
Then doubt comes hurtling in after, and self-doubt is immediately coupled with disappointment in yourself. Maybe I can't sing as well as her. Maybe I can't write as well as them. Maybe my music isn't worth the recognition, maybe it is never going to take flight. Maybe I need to leave music behind and 'get a real job'.
This is why jealousy is poison. You can so easily sicken yourself, to the point where you can't remember why you started chasing this dream at all. You sabotage your own career with jealousy. That is why I cannot be jealous anymore, because I have to do music. It's not a choice, it's a need. An insatiable craving, an all encompassing passion. My life will not be fulfilled if I leave it behind. I must follow it through the jungle, with my machete, and cut down doubt and fear and carve my path. I must make my way. I cannot be stopped. I cannot be tortured by my own thoughts. I remember lines that have soothed my soul. The Leonardo's Bride hit Even When Im Sleeping (below), at the end when the majestic Abby Dobson sings 'don't be afraid' with such conviction, offering up an eternity of comfort. I find comfort in thinking that she too has travelled this path, with her machete.
Now I cannot feel envious of others. I can only feel strong in myself and stick to my path. Staying true to myself is all I can do. I can give my blessings too, to those who reach success, and I can feel comfort that somebody else found their way. Somebody else did what I am trying to do. I can feel camaraderie, and inspired by their success to keep going, keep going, keep going...
And if they take me flying on the magic carpet, see me wave.
If our communication fails I'll reconnect it, I want to rave.
I have started a new project Cocoa Jackson Lane, with the amazing Camilla Charlesworth. You won't find any poison on this record, just feel-good remedy. Single and Video out soon!
NOV 26
brilliant and wise words. best of every success to you.
ReplyDeletemuch love
Shauna Jensen